"First off, I'd like to thank all of you for coming on short notice"

"I'd like to bury these heinous rumors! Let me say there's a time and a place for everything... And it's called Reuben Patterson's house"

"So as you can see, this woman is simply after Zeke's mone-"

"Mr. Thomas, DNA evidence has been found as of 10 am this morning. How do you respond?"

"Get Francis in here.. He's gonna need to take the fall on this one"

"Sir, you fired Francis"

"I did what?!"

"Mr. Thomas you haven't responded to my question"

"Here's my response... Son have you won two championships?

"No I haven't......"

"Well Zeke has"

"But what does that have to do with anythin-"

"This conference is over"

'Wow! That was a nice dunk homie, ya got me! Hold on a sec,  I gotta make a quick phone call"

"It was really nice of you to hold this camp Mr. James. We were wondering if we could have a tape, a little memorabilia for the kids you know?"

"Oh, of course.  I'll get right on it sir"

"Hey, it's Lebron! Are there any recordings or tapes of today? Really, that's great!! Erase them"

"Cheated on my SATS? Preposterous! I'm a true academic, go ahead ask me anything"

"Who was Shakespeare?"

"Oh dude with the mustache?! Son was mad crazy. I just happen to have one of his books right here"

"That's Clifford the Big Red Dog"

"Uh. Uh.  Conference over"

"Okay Zydrunas, here's the gameplan, go stand over there under the hoop.. You know hoop?"

"Think so... I try get hookshot?"

"What?! Hell no, pass that shit to Lebron"

"Coach! We're down but I think we can still win! I'd like to take the last shot, can you set up a play?"

"Sasha, I'm gonna level with you... I'm not really an X's and O's kind of guy. Just pass that shit to Lebron"

"I don't give a damn if you scored West, what do you think you're doing upstaging me in front of the other players? I set a play!"

"What play? You just said to pass it to Lebron"

"I'm sorry am I talking to the coach of the year?! That's what I thought. Now get your ass on the bench West!"

"Shit's easy..."

“When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong”

"I got this guys. Yao? Pssh! Ain't no thang. I keep it real"

*Pre-Game*

"Hey Ming, you ain't gonna meditate outta the first round son"

".................."

*Later*

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Hey you know I was just playing right"

"No hard feeli-"

"This doesn't look good.  Get the bust out there"

"The Tortoise and the Hare"

"Once upon a time, the hare was in his prime"

"But no matter how high his hop, he was always stopped by Pop"

"As the sun rose up in the sky, it was time to give it one more try"

"Run and gun the coach embraced, yet no championship was won in haste"

"Continually stocking, the hare kept on mocking"

"No longer in pain, but still just as vain"

"Their center came back, yet defense he lacked"

"Though slow and steady, the tortoise would surely be ready"

"As the hare took the early lead, it appeared the sun would rise indeed"

"But another tortoise named Rob, would soon make them sob"

"The hare named Nash, would take a rather large splash"

"And when another hare ran up a storm, the referees would quickly swarm"

"Suspended he would be, no matter what the plea"

"He admitted to making a mistake, but bitter fans kept yelling it's all fake"

"When the loss inevitable came, they still cried fake all the same"

"No shame in sight, they continued to put up a fight"

"Even after the tortoise won it all, they continued to bawl"

"And so another year passed, maybe the sixty-one wins came fast"

"But trophy wise, they were no better than last"

"Slow and steady had won the race, defense had always been the case"

"Hansel and Gretel"

"Once upon a time, a man had not a dime"

"He was being eaten out of house and home, he could not let this child simply roam"

"If the child kept being fed, Pax could not see a life ahead"

"So he allowed him to go with little Zach, and search around for many a snack"

"Candies and chocolates galore, but they always just wanted more"

"Soon they came across a small Frye, who could do no better than cry"

"Don't eat me he said, I can offer you something instead"

"Follow these pieces of bread, and I promise you will be fed"

"Now let me be free, a feast I guarantee"

"So they decided to follow the trail, after Zach stopped off in jail"

"When the authorities found no weed, little Eddie knew it was time to feed"

"They soon came across a store, and started knocking on the door"

"Invited inside, they just couldn't decide"

"What would you like Isiah inquired, you both look quite tired"

"Looking on with most delight, little Eddie wanted everything in sight"

"And poor little Zach, he was having a big mac attack"

"Come let me fatten you up, just have another cup"

"Go to that cage little Curry, there is no need to worry"

"And you can serve me little Zach, here go check on that rack"

"Little Zach sensed something wrong, but decided to play along"

"Come check this fryer Zach said, and then hit Isiah right in the head"

"And so little Eddie and Zach were free, it was time for another spree"

"Let the people be scared, as no buffet would be spared"

"Mr. Knight who do you plan to draft with the 3rd pick this year?"

"Any small forwards in this years draft? I don't know I've been on vacation from 2002 on. I'll have to get back to you"

"But don't you think a pg is necessary for success?!"

"Lolz, please we got Tyrone Lue. Next question"

Today on Judge Mathis:

"A former NBA referee seeks payment for emotional distress"

"The Plaintiff"

"Your honor, I don't hand out technicals or eject players on a whim. However, this man smiled at me."

"The Defendant"

"I don't know what Joey is talking about"

"There look! He's doing it again"

"Tim are you smiling over there?"

"No sir"

"Don't play games with me I'm on to you Tim"

"Frankly Mr. Crawford I don't see it. Case Dismissed"

"Bye Joey"

"Next time Duncan! Next time!"

"Nah I think I'm gonna be busy looking at these"

"I've called this session today to announce that the Knicks are doing all they can to get Kobe Bryant on this team"

"We can put together as competitive a package as anyone else in this league, and the Lakers will have their choice of Marbury or Francis"

"However, Curry is not on the table. I'm not going to get hustled here. They don't call me Zeke for nothing"

"How can you possibly believe the Lakers will accept your offer?"

"Mitch"