There comes a time in every company’s life where decisions have to be made. Xtreme decisions. So ‘Xtreme’ that the company folds hilariously days later. Today we take a look at one company's rise to the top! Their journey from CBS to PBS, and how to properly build a company around some guy you saw on Youtube.

October 2008. EliteXC is slowly gaining viewership. But they're hurting, Shamwow commercials prove to be stiff competition and it looks like reaching the coveted 1.0 rating will never happen. For months, EliteXC had relied on a steady stream of viewers who had forgotten to turn off their TV when their program came on. Then suddenly like all great things that never last, cable boxes start to come out with a feature to auto-shut off. Alas, ratings are slashed in half. The company panics and an emergency board meeting is called.

Discussions are held to decide whose at fault. Executive hands tremble as they attempt to deflect the blame to the cable companies. Amidst the chaos the answer comes. Kimbo Slice. "Well he kind of looked like Mr. T", recalls David Marshall, former Chairmen of EliteXC. Marshall had spent the last year in isolation watching videos on the internet, this was a man who knew what was up. Mainly losing millions of dollars annually. Slice,was ready for the big time, for prime time.

It was on. EliteXC would obtain legendary UFC fighter Ken Shamrock to take on Kimbo. Shamrock, more famously known for having his 'sister' sleep with pro-wrestling superstar Val Venis, would do his best to promote the fight. He just wasn't serious about actually fighting. "I was just playing guys", recalls Shamrock. In a desperate last ditch move to save the event, EliteXC would choose former Ultimate Fighter trainee and rejected UFC fighter Seth Petruzelli to do the honors. EliteXC would bank on Kimbo easily finishing a youngster like Seth and continuing his legend.

Naturally, Seth would go on to easily beat Kimbo in fourteen seconds by TKO. CBS dropped the show, Kimbo went back to Youtube, and the company would close a week later. In a final address to EliteXC fans, former Chairmen David Marshall had this to say, "But, would I do it all over again? Yes... I wouldn't change a thing"

We here at the Knicks appreciate you coming down in support of your favorite team! That being whatever team the Knicks are playing that night. You may have seen Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant score 61 points in our house this week… That’s making history, and that’s the Knicks superstar guarantee!

Some people (mean people) have criticized our team for poor defense in the past, but they’re just not using the proper terms. We like to think of it as “offensive enhancement” We’re simply good sportsmen, and here at the Knicks we believe everyone deserves to win… As long as they’re not playing for us. I’d also like to clear the air on some rumors. Rumor has it we won’t miss the lottery this year. I’m proud to say those rumors are false! Of course there’s always a chance the rest of the league goes on strike or gets injured leaving a wide-open chance for the Knicks! But we don’t like to discuss risks here at the Knicks. Unless you can bring them to us with 70 million dollar contracts over 6 years.  

Besides we value your free time! We know you have your favorite shows, and there’s some things in life that take priority over us. Like other teams. What’s that you’ve already stopped paying attention to this pamphlet? You say there’s a Lakers pamphlet going around?! We totally understand. See you next year, same time, same record! 

P.S….

Could you get us a copy of the Lakers pamphlet? Thanks.

Yours Truly,

The New York Knicks

Why "RealGMers" Should Never Actually Be GMs

This is how I picture a meeting with typical RealGMers in charge. Notice the lack of females at the table? That's no accident. Pssh, the RealGMer doesn't need that!!! There's more important issues to be discussed. Like Kobe's efficiency from halfcourt or what kind of dump KG took last week. Inevitably, upon several weeks here you'll come to understand the truths RealGMers hold dear:

1)Age:

The age of the NBA player is supremely important!! Any player who's played more than a year in the league should be traded for draft picks. You don't need those pesky veterans on your team! They might bring in wins, and ruin chances at the lottery. RealGMers love when their team most resembles high school varsity. They also despise the age limit. The correct number is right out of the vagina! RealGMers would then predictably trade the baby a month later. Probably for the draft rights to an infant yet to be born and cash.

2) Underrated

Role players are underrated. Superstars are overrated. Don't forget this cardinal rule, even when your team misses the playoffs. RealGMers love finding a diamond in the rough... Because then they can trade him for higher draft picks later. The key to knowing when a player is no longer underrated is when he's about to get a larger contract. Then that greedy bastard better get out! RealGMers secretly aspire to be Donald Sterling.

At 45 years old, Randy Couture had it all. Money, fame, a distinctly shiny head. There was even talk Randy was about to land a major prime time gig on television!

Alas it was not the right time and the chance to star in a breakthrough role as Mr. Clean was lost... Pretty much when the company remembered they could just hire some 'animators' overseas  for half a rupee a year . No matter, Randy was on top of the world! He knew negotiations would resume if he just had one more fight, the fight to end all fights.

Unfortunately, this was the picture Randy would receive from the UFC upon requesting a challenger. This 'Brock' looked like nothing more than mere accountant fodder. And so it wouldn't be long before Randy used his intuition to decide this was the man he wanted to face after having spent the last year at home watching Murphy Brown reruns.

Randy knew what he was doing, he was 'the natural', this 'Brock' was a nobody. Randy would train by new age radical methods. Mainly purchasing Smackdown for Playstation and beating Brock in it. A 'simulation' if you will. Oh it was on, and no accountant pro wrestler would stand in the way of Randy's rightful place as king of the octagon!

Upon arriving to the press conference Randy asked the reporters where this 'Brock' was because he needed someone to do his taxes.

Then Brock entered the room.

It was in this moment Randy made the decision. The decision to Keep it Real. Sure this Lesnar outweighed him by a good 50 pounds, but damn it he was a pro wrestler! This would be another David Vs Goliath style fight. Except the last time Randy had used a slingshot he was forty years younger. And slingshots weren't allowed in the octagon.

This would definitely go well

Hmmm... Maybe not.

UFC fans would go into a state of shock and denial. 'Captain America', the reigning UFC champion, had just been taken down by a pro wrestler and a Rock Bottom was not even involved.

Just another example of what can happen when Keeping it Real Goes Wrong

It's that time of the year again. You're working over time, boss on your back and kids whining back home. And the girlfriend/wife/mistress has demands of her own! It never ends.. But before you give up on watching the NBA this holiday season, have no fear! You're going to be able to see the Rockets play the Cavaliers for the 4,897th time on ESPN after all!!!

That's right no worries! For the first time ever, 2007's best presents will be showcased. I've done the searching, so you don't have to. These boardgames are the cream of the crop, and they're fun for the whole family! Remember, the NBA Cares... And so does OneAnswer.

Everybody loves Kandy Land! The game of busts is finally here. They say the journey to underachievement starts in childhood.. You don't want to stunt your kid's growth do you? Don't delay! Your child will learn vital lessons including: scoring on a contract year, signing a contract 10 million dollars short, firing your agent and much, much more! Winner is the first one to inevitably gain 400 pounds and be unable to 'jump' for rebounds.

*No skill or previous experience necessary!

Zydrunas Ilgauskas hasen't slept in over twelve years... Will the man ever get any sleep? Will the black shadows under his eyes finally disappear? You decide! That's right Zydrunas is giving you the opportunity to decide his fate! Will you allow him to get some rest? Or will you fall asleep yourself watching the Cavs? Only one way to find out!

*Dr. Gooden Warning: Mysterious Hairpatch might result from use of this product

Grant needs to make the playoffs!! But can you fix him in time? Fun for boys and girls. It's the newly updated 2007 edition of Operation! Will you rush away to give the Pistons that last ounce of playoff revenue?! Or will you conceal important documents and send him off to the Magic? No matter what you choose... Don't forget to draft Darko!

*Grant Hill included... Some Assembly Required.

You've been given free reign of the Knicks. Next stop the world... It's the game of Risk! With your right hand man Lieutenant Marbury at the helm, you're capable of everything and anything. It is your duty to laugh in the face of sexual harassment, sign Jerome James and generally waste as much money as possible. Everything you touch must reach foreclosure in order to win. The CBA, the Knicks, David Lee...

*All white board pieces removed

There's been a murder! The victim: a bike, was found laying dissembled in the exercise room by the Spurs old playbook and Shawn Bradley. Only the playbook could be reached for comment. The exercise bike had previously been seen in a dispute over the MVP trophy with Mr. Nowitzki, who was said to have appeared furious to onlookers. After a slight scuffle (ending with the bike winning), Mr. Nowitzki ran off and no charges were filed. But what truly took place that night? Who dissembled the exercise bike? Find out in the new game of Clue!

*1st round loss not included

That's it for now! Stay tuned later this week, for my thorough overview of Monopoly. Till next time, I'm OneAnswer!

"How To Draft A Bust"

The Foreign Guy Method:

This method has been passed down from one generation to the next. Take the Euro guy... Or the Chinese guy. It doesn't really matter, as long as nobody knows anything about them. Not even you! The lesser the better. In fact strive to find a player coming from the most obscure of leagues. A league so remote, they might not even have cameras yet! But if they do, they should provide nice healthy footage like this:

I retrieved that one straight out of Joe Dumar's personal stash! Remember, fans love the unknown. Always do the unexpected. Superstar college ball player leading his team to the final 4?? I don't think so! You need to draft that one guy Tskzievillizicrapllliiia. For reference sakes, if you can pronounce it, he probably isn't foreign enough. Don't make the wrong choice!

The best part about drafting the foreign guy is well, they'll work for anything. It doesn't matter what the team, they'll stay loyal. Even if you're in Canada! But there is one exception... Milwaukee. Yes, Milwaukee isn't quite a favorite among foreigners.. Or anyone for that matter. But fear not aspiring Bucks GMs! There's hope yet!

The Larry Harris Method:

If somehow you've ended up in Milwaukee and unable to escape this method should be applied. Is there a player that doesn't wanna come to your team? Draft him anyway. In fact laugh while doing it. If you can't leave Milwaukee nobody else can either.

'The Refusal'

One problem you might run into is lack of cooperation. Every once in a while, some player will think he can out think you. He won't put his signature down on the dotted line and make demands. Fortunately, this is a minor issue for the Larry Harris method! Here take a look at how Larry himself gets the contracts signed:

'Watch the Bucks'

Larry's own patented method is as scary as they come. Simply take the resisting player to a closed room and force them to watch a Bucks game. After five, maximum of ten minutes (though no one has ever come close), the boredom will become so large the player will sign anything! Just make it stop!

"How To Draft A Bust"

"Forget that guy Larry! My dude is like totally European and sh*t"

Step 1: Locating Talent
When drafting a bust, scouting is vital. You don't want just any kind of bust! Nooo sirr. He needs to meet very specific criteria. To all you aspiring GMs out there, I say worry no more! I'm letting the secrets loose! This handy guide will help you on your journey...

The Utah Jazz Method:
Draft the white guy. A tried and true method perfected by the Jazz. Here's a leaked Utah memo I've managed to covertly uncover!

If you answered something else than 'C', well, you failed! That's just not the Jazz way. Here, take a look at the rich line of busts Utah's produced.

Notice anything? If you don't, you probably don't belong on the Jazz. However, even if you did, don't think ole' Larry H. Miller is going to come calling just yet! There is a central part to using the Utah Jazz method that is key. This is what separates the men from the boys, my friends. It's...

'The Distraction'

If you're not careful using the Utah Jazz Method, people might start asking questions. You want to put a stop to this right away! Simply go against the basic drafting principle of the Jazz method every few years, and no one will be the wiser! Just remember, any time a person starts up trouble, point away and say 'but what about that guy'. It's flawless.

*Alternative Zeke Method*

Simply take all the rules from the Jazz method, and reverse them! Here is a pie chart for all you visual learners,

That's it for now! Stay tuned as we continue down all methods later this week and finish up Step 1 of 'How to Draft A Bust'! This is going to be a long guide... But nobody said drafting a bust was easy! Till next time, I'm OneAnswer!